I think we've been taught from such a young age that happiness is meant to be this big, all consuming thing. That it is this moment that cracks open our bones and changes our lives and sweeps all of the weight inside of as away. That it is something that is awarded to us, gifted to us by the world. That it is something we are always in pursuit of until we find it.
And so, we are always waiting. Waiting for this experience, this simplifying in life, this `aha' moment where the wounds are all healed and the growth is all organized neatly within our rib cages and our hearts aren't afraid of loving anymore and the warmth never leaves.
But I don't think happiness is big, or infinite, at all. I think real happiness, true happiness, exists in the acceptance of the fact that we will always be balancing what is light and dark within ourselves. I think real happiness, true happiness, exists in the quiet. In the small things. Ina morning cup of coffee, in the sound of your mother's voice on the other end of the phone. I think real happiness, true happiness, is believing that you are meant to be here, that you are meant to take up space in this world. I think real happiness, true happiness, is finding the human beings who take care of you — not in a materialistic way, but rather, finding the human beings who take care of your soul, who take care of even the most chaotic parts of who you are. I think real happiness, true happiness, is all around you, at all times, pinned and blooming in the things you stopped paying attention to become you were always searching for more. Flowers on your walk to work. The intensity in the air when you meet someone and you know they're going to change your life. The way your stomach flips when you hear your favourite song. The way your person's eyelashes feel as they blink across your neck when you're holding them.
And I don't think happiness is something you find, or that it is this destination you get to where the night never comes and you are bulletproof and unaffected by the mayhem. I think the mayhem will always exist — we are literally made from it, we wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the crashing and the banging of atoms within this Universe. No, I think happiness exists in the understanding that the pain holds just as much importance as the beauty. I think happiness exists in finding the things that make us feel known, and special, and at peace in this world, no matter how small or insignificant they feel, and letting them save us. I think happiness exists in teaming how to embrace the dark, in learning how to see it as the very thing that makes an appreciate the light.